I woke up feeling sick this morning, and I decided that I would sleep late. Then at about 10:30 I thought that I had better check my email, because I knew that there would be about 20 messages in there from school, and there were. I also knew that there would be at least one or two of them that would make me realize I am falling behind in one area or another. Now I am up and I have to run around all day to do some things.
It is not only a question of time, but its also about energy. Sure, I have a few minutes here and there, but I rarely have the energy to do something. It’s not just work that takes energy away, it’s also emotional reactions to things. Every time I get a paper back it’s devastating. Sitting in class and not knowing the material while the professor is calling on people around me just drains me of energy. Watching those people called on recall facts and holdings from cases without blinking or at least looking at their notes time and time again takes even more energy away.
I can see how it is easy for lawyers to be shitty people. This work and this style of life has this numbing effect. When I worked those crummy jobs over the past year I had plenty (too much) of time to think about my life and my friends and art and everything else. Now those things don’t even occur to you because your too worried about the thing you have to do in a few hours. But I would choose this feeling over boredom without putting any thought to it. This I can tolerate. Boredom at a job I cannot.