Friday, February 24, 2006

Tough New York Cop™

Tough New York Cop ™

The following story is one that no one has ever told. The reasons for that are complex, but put succinctly, it is because the American public is too squeamish for such a tale. No story has conveyed such raw masculinity from paper to mind so purely. It’s about a tough New York Cop ™ who dresses in a an old light brown suit. He drinks and he quarrels with his superiors. The chief assigns him new rookie partners with every cycle of the moon. He has lived in a houseboat at certain times in his life. Most importantly though, he carries out his crime fighting duties in a manner that leads us, the audience, to ask: “does the end of shooting the cold blooded murderer to death justify the Tough New York Cop’s ™ violent and illegal crime fighting means?” Luckily though, the answer to the question is always an easy one.

Tough New York Cop ™ doesn’t put up with any of your shit. Between the drinking and the crime fighting, Tough New York Cop ™ doesn’t have the energy to even notice you in a room. His tie is always at least two inches from being closed at his neck. Those kind of people don’t give a fuck, so stay away from him, unless that is you are Informant Junkie Guy ™ with some new information on The Murderer ™. In that case you will probably be approached by Tough New York Cop ™. When you are approached by Tough New York Cop ™ you will resist his initial attempts to cajole information out of you. You will be dressed in clothes that look greasy and you will not take a shower one week before approached by Tough New York Cop. You will eventually acquiesce to Tough New York Cop’s ™ demands, albeit unenthusiastically.

Tough New York Cop’s ™ virility is frightening to small animals. Tough New York Cop ™ only likes two kind of women: the Confident No Bullshit Woman and the Girl in Distress. The Confident No Bullshit Woman has seen it all, and now she will take advantage of any opportunity to let you know she is cynical. However, despite all of this experience, she knows that she cannot resist Tough New York Cop’s ™ virility, and that by just standing next to him too long she can become pregnant. Girl in Distress on the other hand does not show any resistance to Tough New York Cop, and is thrilled at idea of having Tough New York Cop Babies ™, who can then be killed by Murderer ™ and thus justify his and many of his henchman’s death.

An interesting question is whether Tough New York Cop ™ could defeat Government Guy in Suit ™. Government Guy in Suit ™ speaks like a robot. Government Guy in Suit ™ is always convinced of the moral validity of his secret operation, even though it is apparent to every one else that the operation is dangerous and un-American. Government Guy in Suit ™ always acts on his own volition so as not to inculpate the United States Government in anything illegal. Government Guy in a Suit ™ has control over vast array of secret technology to seek out Guy Who Knows Something ™ across borders. Government Guy in Suit ™ cannot be reconciled with real life government blunders such as Aldrich Ames because Government Guy in Suit ™ can only be beaten or outsmarted by Guy who Knows Something ™, who never resembles Aldrich Ames.


Andrew Gabriel Rose said...

You were born to write magazine articles, Vince. Don't throw it away on a career in law.

Andrew Gabriel Rose said...

The tough new york cop is also a better investigator after he's been suspended from duty.

B. Kriplur said...

When the tough New York Cop was a child, he would not do his schoolwork well until he was suspended.